Taming the Tongue: Practical Steps for Taming the Tongue

The psalmist’s prayer in Psalm 141:3 provides our starting point: asking God to set a guard over our mouths and keep watch over our lips. This prayer acknowledges both our weakness and our dependence on divine help. We cannot control our tongues through willpower alone—we need God’s active intervention.

This practice can become a regular part of our daily routine. Beginning each day with a conscious request for God to guard our speech sets the proper tone and reminds us that every word we speak matters. It is not merely a ritual but a genuine acknowledgment that we need supernatural assistance to speak in ways that honour God and benefit others.

The metaphor of a guard is particularly apt. Guards are vigilant, constantly watching for potential threats. They don’t become complacent or assume that, because all was well yesterday, no vigilance is needed today. Similarly, we must maintain constant awareness of our speech patterns, recognising that each new day brings fresh opportunities both to honour God with our words and to stumble into sinful speech.

Consider keeping a brief prayer journal focused specifically on speech. Each morning, write a short prayer asking for God’s help in controlling your tongue. Each evening, reflect on how your speech measured up to biblical standards. This practice helps maintain awareness of speech patterns and provides motivation for continued growth.

One of the most effective ways to improve our speech is to improve our listening. James 1:19 instructs us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” The order is significant—hearing comes first, speaking second.

Active listening involves several components. First, we must truly focus on what others are saying rather than planning our own responses. This requires humility, recognising that we might actually learn something from what others share. Second, we should listen for the emotions behind the words, not just the factual content. Understanding someone’s heart helps us respond more appropriately.

Third, we need to develop the habit of listening to God through regular Bible reading and meditation. It is remarkable how some Christians will spend considerable time talking to God in prayer but relatively little time listening to what he has already said in Scripture. If we want our words to align with God’s character, we must first fill our minds with his word.

Practical steps for better listening include putting away distractions during conversations, asking clarifying questions before responding, and deliberately pausing to consider our responses rather than speaking immediately. These habits feel unnatural at first but become increasingly natural with practice.

A helpful acronym for evaluating our speech before speaking is THINK. Before allowing words to leave our mouths, we can quickly assess whether they meet biblical standards.

True: Is what I’m about to say accurate? This goes beyond avoiding outright lies to include avoiding exaggeration, distortion, or partial truths that mislead. Ephesians 4:25 calls us to “put away falsehood” and speak truth with our neighbours. This includes being honest about our own accomplishments and failures.

Helpful: Will these words benefit the listener? Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to speak only what is “good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Even true words can be unhelpful if they’re spoken at the wrong time or in the wrong spirit.

Inspiring: Do these words encourage growth in godliness? While not every conversation needs to be overtly spiritual, we should generally aim for speech that points people towards what is good, noble, and excellent (Philippians 4:8).

Necessary: Does this really need to be said? Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is remain silent. Proverbs 17:28 notes that “even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”

Kind: Are these words spoken with love? First Corinthians 13 reminds us that even true words spoken without love are like “a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” The tone and manner of our speech matter as much as the content.

This filter becomes more automatic with practice. Initially, it may feel awkward to pause and mentally check each point before speaking. However, over time, these considerations become second nature, helping us develop instinctive habits of wise speech.

Growth in tongue control often requires identifying and deliberately addressing specific areas where we tend to stumble. Common problematic patterns include gossip, criticism, exaggeration, complaining, and harsh responses when frustrated or angry.

For gossip, we must learn to distinguish between legitimate concern for others and entertainment at their expense. A helpful question is: Am I sharing this information to help this person or the situation, or am I sharing it because it makes me feel important or entertained? If someone begins sharing gossip with us, we can gently redirect: “Perhaps we should pray for them instead.” Or, “Have you spoken directly with them about this?”

Critical speech often stems from focusing on faults rather than strengths. Deliberately cultivating gratitude and looking for positive qualities in others helps retrain our minds to notice good rather than bad. When criticism is necessary, it should be motivated by love and focused on specific behaviours rather than character assassination.

Exaggeration frequently creeps into our speech because dramatic stories get better reactions. However, accuracy in our words builds trust and credibility over time. Making a conscious effort to report events factually, even when it makes stories less exciting, demonstrates commitment to truth.

Complaining can become such a habit that we don’t notice how negative our speech has become. Philippians 2:14 calls us to “do all things without grumbling or disputing.” This doesn’t mean we can never express legitimate concerns, but our overall speech pattern should reflect gratitude rather than dissatisfaction.

While eliminating negative speech patterns is important, we must also actively cultivate positive ones. Encouragement should become a deliberate practice. Look for specific, genuine things to appreciate in others and express that appreciation regularly. Proverbs 25:11 describes appropriate words as “like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”

Develop the habit of speaking about God’s goodness and faithfulness in ordinary conversations. This doesn’t mean turning every discussion into a sermon, but rather naturally acknowledging God’s provision and blessing when relevant. When someone asks how you’re doing, consider mentioning something you’re grateful for along with factual updates about your circumstances.

Practice asking better questions that draw out the best in others. Instead of simply asking “How are you?” try questions like “What’s been the best part of your week?” or “What’s something you’re learning lately?” These questions encourage people to share positive thoughts and experiences.

Learn to give genuine compliments that focus on character qualities rather than just appearance or achievements. “I appreciate how patient you were in that difficult situation” carries more weight than “Nice shirt.” Such words encourage growth in godliness.

Second Corinthians 13:5 encourages believers to “examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” This principle applies to speech patterns. Regular honest assessment helps identify areas of growth and areas needing attention.

Consider keeping a speech journal for a week, noting patterns in your conversations. What topics do you gravitate towards? How do you typically respond when frustrated or excited? What kinds of words do you use to describe others? This self-awareness is the first step towards positive change.

Ask trusted friends or family members to lovingly point out speech patterns that might be unhelpful. Proverbs 27:6 reminds us that “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Those who know us well can often see blind spots that we miss.

End each day with reflection on your speech. What words brought encouragement? What words might have caused harm? What opportunities did you miss to speak helpful words? This isn’t meant to create guilt but to develop sensitivity to the power of words.

Remember that tongue control is typically a gradual process. Don’t become discouraged by setbacks or the slow pace of change. Like physical fitness, developing good speech habits requires consistent practice over time.

Celebrate small victories. Notice when you successfully held your tongue in a situation where you previously would have spoken unwisely. Appreciate moments when you offered encouragement rather than criticism. Thank God when you remember to acknowledge his goodness in conversation.

Most importantly, remember that our ultimate hope lies not in our own ability to control our tongues but in God’s transforming work within us. As we surrender our speech to his control and consistently apply his word to our words, he gradually shapes us into people whose speech reflects his character and accomplishes his purposes.

The journey towards taming the tongue is lifelong, but deeply rewarding. As our words increasingly honour God and bless others, we experience the joy of being used by him to bring light and life into a world often darkened by careless and harmful speech.